how not to train for a marathon, in 6 easy steps

Step one (six weeks before race day): Run your first marathon.

Step two (four to five weeks out): Run no more than 5 miles total. 

Step three (four weeks out): Deplete your body of all strength and energy, to the point that you cannot exercise. A stomach bug will quickly and effectively help you complete this step. (Bonus points if your illness comes on so rapidly you get sick in a public place.)

Step four (one to three weeks out): Try to squeeze in some long runs, but don’t go farther than 8 miles at a time, because you’re very bored with running at this point, despite not having done much of it lately. 

Step five (three days out): Fly to a completely different climate, which you did not simulate in your training. (Bonus points if you get a few nights of insufficient sleep in there, too.)

Step six: Run a marathon. 

The results of this program have yet to be determined as of the publishing date. (Projected results: not great.)

{image: our easy-peasy Christmas Day run. Taking this all v seriously}

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