CHICAGO (tuesday, 11:46 p.m.) — I can’t sleep. What’s the weather supposed to be like tomorrow? Damn. Rain. How much rain? Torrential downpours? Storms? I wonder if there will be too much rain for me to run outside. Maybe it won’t rain while I’m outside.


OK, it’ll probably rain when I’m outside.


Skilling says there’s a flood watch. Thanks a lot, Skilling. Oh, look, an article on insomnia. Well played, FastCompany. Inability to sleep is an excuse to be productive, you say? Fair enough. Do I want to be productive? Can I be productive while lying awake, in bed, on my phone? Probably. Maybe I should get up. I could answer emails. Hell, I can answer emails while lying awake in bed on my phone. Jackpot.

No one really cares what time my emails are timestamped, right? I mean, I’m responding to the email. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Who cares if you’re asleep? I don’t. I’m being productive.

I want a drink of water. Water would taste nice right now. There are lots of dishes to put away. Then I can wash the dishes in the sink, and I can put those away, too. Why do I have my contacts in? I’ll let the dishes drip dry for a bit while I take out my contacts.

Why did I go to bed without doing this in the first place? It always sucks to peel them off my eyeballs in the morning. Every time. Why don’t I learn? Man, the sink is dirty. I should clean it. I hate that little space between the faucet and the backsplash. Designers should have thought about how dirty that little space would get before they let it be there. It’s impossible to clean, and I bet it’s nasty.

Q-tips! I have tons! Those would be perfect for cleaning that preposterous crevice. What a discovery. Hooray, insomnia! Oh my god. It’s so dirty back there. I’ve let this go for too long. Wait, what? We’ve only lived here six weeks — why can’t I get this spot clean? WHAT THE HELL IS BACK THERE? I’ve gone through 15 Q-tips already, and the gunk persists.

I feel like a genius. A disgusting genius.
I feel like a genius. A disgusting genius.

This is revolting. Where is this coming from? That space is so tiny. Laws of nature have been broken, because I’m pretty sure this sink gunk is spontaneously reproducing back there, Q-tips be damned. Maybe I should clean the kitchen sink, too.

The counters need some attention. Yes, they must be wiped. And the sink. The dishes are dry. I need more water. The water pitcher is out. I’ll refill it, but in the meantime, I can put the dry dishes away. Water is so refreshing. I need to pee.

Perhaps I should clean the toilet, too. Yes, definitely. No sense in a clean sink and a dirty toilet. The tub could use some attention, as well. And the floor will need sweeping. Such a shame I can’t run a vacuum cleaner at this hour.

At last, the bathroom is clean. What was I doing again? Right. A drink of water. Perhaps I should put my retainer in. I don’t wear that thing enough. I think this is what that article meant about being productive. Clean dishes. Tidy bathroom. Dental hygiene. Superb hydration. What time is it? 12:30? I need to get up in a few hours for my run. Has the weather changed? It’s supposed to rain. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it won’t rain during my run.


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